The Big Snark-Off! Cautionary Tale Edition

Home Ec–50’s style via Awful Library Books by hhibner on 10/6/09

My goodness, look at Susie all grown-up!

She gets the best grades of the whole class in Home-Ec. Surely she'll make some man a fine wife someday.

That nice neighbor boy, Kenny, is always coming over to grab Susie's cupcakes!

Math Anxiety! via Awful Library Books by marykelly48 on 10/24/09

Mom is so proud of little Kenny! Good grades and he's dating that sweet little Susie from church.

Their faith and common sense will surely keep them safe from harm throughout their lives. Praise God!

Coffee, Tea or Me?
via Awful Library Books by marykelly48 on 10/12/09

Susie's Dad is just skipping with glee as he sees his little girl growing up. Previously only interested in cooking and playing dress-up with her cat she has just started dating that cute little boy from next door.

That Kenny is just dreamy in a hot nerdy way. His interest in hot rod safety speaks volumes about his character. I'd trust my girl with him any day!

Teen Wheels via Awful Library Books by hhibner on 11/5/09
Look! See Kenny's car. Kenny has a new car. Kenny is so excited he's going throw a rod. Now he and Susie can have all the privacy they need on a date!

Kenny: "Hey babe, can't wait to shine up the hood and extend the antenna so we can make out in the backseat tonight after the big game!"

Susie: "Here's the key to my chastity belt! Let's get it on!

When duct tape and plastic aren’t enough…
via Awful Library Books by marykelly48 on 10/5/09

There was just one little thing left behind that night. And that thing just got bigger and bigger.

Oh why did they skip school the day "family preparedness" was discussed in health class!

How could they know that Saran Wrap could not save them from impending disaster!

Cheap Dates via Awful Library Books by marykelly48 on 11/3/09

One teenage pregnancy, a mortgage, chronic unemployment, and a

cretaceous divorce later, Ken struggles to get back into the dating game while Susie chuckles over his every bonehead move.

He was too cheap to buy condoms back then and he hasn't changed a bit!

Cat Cooking? via Awful Library Books by marykelly48 on 10/1/09

But Susie was not left untouched by tragedy. Oh no. A few years later, suffering from empty-nest syndrome, aging, and crippling alcoholism, Susie turns to the two things that went right in her life.

Kittens and Home Ec.

Years later, Kenny and Susie met in an alley outside the homeless shelter. Upon sight each was overcome with rage at how their lives had ended up. Shivs were drawn, blood was spilled, and they killed each other

The End

Fire, Ice, and Polar Bears

Fire and Ice by Julie Garwood


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Something is wrong here. I'm not enjoying Garwood's last three books the way I have every other book she has written. I'm not giving up on her, not by a long shot. Something is just off here.

I think maybe the books are getting more caught up in the mystery/suspense portion of the genre and less involved in the romance department. Sophie and Jack seem to wash around in a flood of other characters. The romance appears and it just isn't quite fleshed out.

I suspect character development was neglected a bit. Character development was rich in her other novels. Other than his interest in the Food Channel, we don't find out a whole lot about the "real" Jack. Information is given, it just doesn't stick. Sophie's interactions with her girlfriends are real. Her interaction with her co-workers and others is not heart-felt. They seem to be almost by wrote.

I do give points for Garwood's interwoven story about the mad scientists. Totally cool. Suspense and then an adrenaline rush. The mystery surrounding their actions and the full account of their transgressions is revealed very satisfactorily at the end.

I'll soldier on with Ms. Garwood. I suspect this slump, too, will pass. I think she is still appealing to many readers and look forward to seeing where she goes next with her stories.

Would I recommend this book to a Mad Scientist? Possibly. He may like a feeling of unity with the scientists in this book.

Would I recommend this book to Michele Obama? Naw. She has less time to read than the average person and I'm sure she'd like to spend it on things that are just a bit better. Unless she's really a Mad Scientist in disguise.

Would I recommend this book to a man in a bear suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Bears do not fare well in this book.

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Chachbag aka: Chach Bag

Chachbag

Because they asked me to.

Because he insulted a romance author, etc.

But mostly, because I've never participated in a google-bomb. Man I hope I did this right.

Take Me Back to The Black Hills

Black Hills by Nora Roberts


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Another fun read from Nora Roberts. Not her best, but still good. I especially enjoyed the descriptions of the Black Hills and the refuge animals.

Another thing I really admire about Roberts is her dialogue. She uses terms real people use. Consider the contraction "I'd've" We all say it. Authors seem to fear it. It's real. I say, if you're writing popular fiction or have characters who speak popular American English, toss that fear aside and go with it.

There are also some possibilities for sequels in this novel, although I don't know if response will be positive enough for it to warrant a sequel. Many of the assistants and interns seem to be characters screaming to be further explored. That would, unfortunately, put Roberts in the position of writing two series at once, so that may be another variable.

I didn't find the hero to be as lovable as her recent loving nerdish ones. The heroine, as always, was strong and smart.

Would I recommend this to a man in a bear suit?
Possibly. The man may have an interest in animal refuge work. Or not. His choice.

Would I recommend this to a fan of Christian Romance?
Possibly. It would depend on the reader's reason for reading Christian Romance. The heroine especially takes a spiritual journey as she finds love with the hero. So does the secondary character who comes to terms with love in her life. Swearing is not particularly prevalent. However, if the reader insists on a completely Christian interpretation of spirituality, this book would not be for him or her.

Would I recommend this to someone looking for something like what Charles Bukowski writes? Absolutely not.

Would I recommend this to

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Not The End

Hot Pursuit by Suzanne Brockmann


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
By now it's no secret that there will be a pause in the series for a bit. Maybe some short stories. While the thought makes me want to faint dead away, I totally get it. Brockmann has been writing this series for how long now? Take a rest, girl. Explore some new ideas and formats. Enjoy time with your son. I totally get it.

Add to that the cretaceous hell-fire generated from her previous book where she apparently gave Sophia the HEA many readers didn't want and, truly, she deserves a rest. I didn't get the whole controversy anyway. It's her world and it did leave us with a new way of viewing the series.

While I gave this book 5 stars, I did feel it wasn't up to her usual standards. The plot was good. Sam and Alyssa were a great team as usual. A couple of new characters were introduced, giving the series room to grow. Even a new gay character was introduced. Good deal.

While I enjoy Sam and Alyssa, I'm not understanding the great obsession many readers have with them. I'm hoping the proposed short stories are not all Sam and Alyssa 24/7. There were some other great stories and characters I'd love to revisit.

Including Tom and Kelly Paoletti! Let's check back on the Big One that started it all. Unsung Hero, their love story, was part of the Seal Team 16 series predated the Troubleshooters series. But it was a great setup for the series. And, after all, many critiques of romance consider it the Perfect Contemporary Romantic Suspense Novel.

So, take a break, Ms. Brockmann. Stand down. Job well done and looking forward to the Next Big Thing.

Would I recommend this title to a man in a bear suit? Not unless he indicated he had been reading the series all along. Although it stands alone, the rest of the series really whets the appetite.

Would I recommend this title to the guy standing outside the library repeatedly stating "The End is Near?" Since that's about all he says, I don't think I would. Not that he ever says much else to go on anyway.

Would I recommend this title to a fan who wants Hard Science SF? No. While there are gadgets, this does not meet the criteria for that genre.

Would I recommend this title to a fan of Marliss Merton's Seal series? Yes, without hesitation. Action, romance, empowered heroines and hunky strong smart heroes. Great fit.


View all my reviews >>

Dallas Love-Boat Fail

Burn by Linda Howard


My rating: 1 of 5 stars
Well crap.

I enjoy most of Linda Howard's books. This isn't one of them. I read the first 50 pages, as Nancy Pearl recommends. I wasn't impressed. But I wanted to like Burn. I really wanted to! Death Angel wasn't great at the start but had a socko ending. Please, let this one be too, please?

Alas, it was simply not to be. Jenner is a good strong character. Then she turns into a wimp. Maybe seven years after winning the lottery everybody turns into a wimp. Whatta I know?

The beginning Jenner would either have given her capters the slip and burned down the boat or would see right through things and partner with Cael et. al. because it was the right thing to do. I presume so, since I couldn't finish the book.

And Holy Hoary-headed Grebe! What's up with Cael and his merry band of kidnapping-with-no-explanation let's-play-bondage pals? Um...read much in the romantic suspense area lately? Bodice-ripping "Rape Me" scenes or anything remotely related to them are sooo 1980s! Not that this was exactly bodice-ripping rape-me stuff. But the undercurrent was the same: Submit woman! Submit or unspeakable things will happen to you and your little friend! And the dog! And the neighbor's dog! Submit!

Or maybe Ms. Howard is revisiting the Glitz and Glamour romances that were hot in the 80s. Jackie Collins anyone? How about her sister, Joan? And maybe there is a chance that will come back while people are facing tough economic times right now. Who knows, maybe it's time to resurrect this subgenre from the dead, dead oil fields of Dallas and the withered vineyards of Falcon Crest.

And, yes, the television show Love Boat kept weaving itself into my consciousness while I tried to read this. Seriously, would the affable and not-stereotypically-named bartender, Isaac Washington have allowed this? Wouldn't Captain Stubing and the Doctor have figured out something was amiss? Couldn't Gopher have sunk the boat or something?

Yup, the whole thing smells of a 1980s rehash, using modern high-tech to somehow imagine it into this century. In fact, something about the previous book, Death Angel, also gives me that vibe.

I have confidence in Ms. Howard and, if she's playing with the genre this way, I can only encourage her even though I did not enjoy this book. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, for the author or the genre. So give it a shot. I hope next time is more successful.

Would I recommend this book to a man in a bear suit? Only if he mentioned loving Speed II, Love Boat, Dallas, and Falcon Crest

Would I recommend this book to an undercover superspy who liked fiction about electronic spy gadgets? I didn't get far, but it appeared to me that the gadgets that were going to be used weren't really emphasized, so I'd have to say no.

Would I recommend this book to someone who likes to read about current events? No.

Would I recommend this book to someone who is really curious about where the romance genre is headed? Yes. Ms. Howard is reviewing old ground and trying to bring it into the present. Give it a shot, Ms. H! I'll check in on your next book, too.


View all my reviews >>

Against All Odds by Irene Hannon

Against All Odds by Irene Hannon


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
I don't read a lot of Christian fiction. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the genre has evolved since my last foray some years ago. And shame on me for not keeping up! Irene Hannon has done a good job of putting a lot of my fears about Christian Fiction aside.

The plot was a lot of fun and full of action The hints about upcoming heroes and heroines in the series are always fun to spot. The emotions felt by the hero and heroine were genuine. The chaste behavior was downright refreshing, as were the character's struggles with maintaining that behavior.

The heroine's relationship with her father and the circumstances surrounding his situation were well-explained. Great descriptions of the countryside involved in both locations.

Ummm...the security/body guard aspect? Boy howdy, some very important things were left undone by the security people. I can see how Ms. Hannon used them to advance the story. Unfortunately, the security team's mistakes were so blatantly negligent it made it difficult to suspend disbelief and completely enjoy the story.

In the name of Scotch-brand Adhesive Tape and drywall, what team does not check each and every window and door of each and every building on the ground with every walk-through? Who would time their rounds to be absolutely predictable? That aspect of the novel was a real WTHeckOMGoshBBQEleventyHotMess with a side of fries. Here's hoping Ms. Hannon finds less-blatantly obvious ways to advance the story in future.

I did run into another BIG problem. A problem that a lot of Christian Fiction publishers need to address. The hero's conversion from skeptic to full-blown, church-going, man of Christian faith was just too quick and too easy. After just reading a few parts of the Bible? After attending one service because the heroine didn't like to miss church?

The heroine's faith is too simply presented. She believes. But what does she believe?

What passages and emotions specifically drive the changes in both the hero and the heroine? If writing from a Christian viewpoint, then forge ahead with gusto. Make it interesting, keep the emotions strong and fully explored. Let the reader feel closer to God's glory.

Faith requires emotion. I would like to see that emotion explored as deeply as the emotions between hero and heroine in Christian Fiction. Relying on an unwritten assumption that everyone will understand because the readers tend to be all Christian is a failure of logic.

My Christian walk of faith tends to be different from those who prefer a more literal interpretation of the Bible. Some call it a more progressive faith, others a more liberal understanding. What do I know? God speaks all languages. I can still appreciate the Holy Spirit felt by those with that literal interpretation. Hit me with it!

I have a deep emotional connection with my faith. It is not simple. It is complex. I want to see that in Christian heroes and heroines. I want to know their faith journey. Share it.

Would I recommend this to readers of Christian Fiction?
Yes, first revealing that there is some violence and it is a contemporary romance. Some readers don't want the violence. Others don't want a contemporary

Would I recommend this to readers of Thrillers?
No. This is not a medical, legal, economic, or tech thriller. It is Romantic-Suspense, Christian-style.

Would I recommend this to a Man in a Bear Suit? Only if he specifically asked for a Romantic-Suspense, Christian-style book. Readers of romance tend to be women. (I do want to point out that there are many, many exceptions to this statement. And, let's face it. The guy in the bear suit may be into some uncommon sexual practices. This would not appeal to him.

View all my reviews >>

3 Favorite Authors! 3 New Books!

What a great time for this Romantic-Suspense reading fool to be alive! Sure, it happens every August and February. Sure, I know way ahead of time what's coming. But wowza! What a rush!

Suzanne Brockmann's Hot Pursuit, Linda Howard's Burn, and Nora Roberts' Black Hills in one glorious end-of-summer trifecta!

I've been remiss in my reviews lately so I will be doing some posting to play catch-up. Perhaps more than one a day.

I also plan to include in these reviews something I picked up from Bitterly Books: Who would I recommend this to?

I'll include some groups that would enjoy the book, some groups that would not enjoy the book, and, always "A Man In A Bear Suit."* The bear suit always gets me.

*See old David Letterman schticks. The one that I best remember was the "Can a guy in a bear suit get into a strip club?"**

** Mr. Letterman, CBS, et. al.: If I offend or otherwise break a copyright thingy, do please let me know. I will switch to "A man in an Ursine Disguise." Bear Suit is easier to type so I'm going with that for now.

Snarky McCrabby Pants Reporting For Duty!

(photo courtesy of
Heavy is the head that wears the sausage crown… via WTF Pictures and WTF videos by Picture Is Unrelated by pizzaburger on 7/22/09)


America, listen up. You dress like pigs having a bad hair day. Well, at least they do here, in the middle of a Big City in the middle of a Dusty Desert where it's freakin' hot.


GET A CLUE, AMERICA!


If you want to dress like a slob, stay at home where you'll be ready to garden, fix the plumbing, work on the family car, or have a head cold.




This is not to say there are times when it is simply unavoidable. Like, say,

• When the temperature is over 105. Or below 20.


• When you've been a victim of a disaster: natural or otherwise.


• You're homeless by choice or chance and live off donations to the shelter you've taken refuge in.


• You've been out of work for ages.


• You're incredibly pregnant and miserable.


• It's January in Iowa and you only have one winter coat so it's not like you can take it to the cleaners and go without for a few days.

Stuff like that. These things are understandable. I understand that. I support people's attempts in these circumstances.


For the rest of you:

C'mon peeps! What does this say about your self-image? I say it means you don't give a damn. Or you have low self-esteem. And that ain't good.

Love yourself! Have a little pride! You are not respecting yourself or the places you are visiting by poor choices in dress and presentation. Not all positive life-changes start from the inside. Fake it 'til you make it.


A friend of mine says the entire downfall of western society is due to the introduction of Diet Pepsi into the marketplace. Me? I trace it back to the late 60s or early 70s when wearing a t-shirt with a slogan or someone's corporate logo on it became chic.

Yes. Yes I do. Somehow this gave us all permission to dress down. To go for comfort over presentation. To slouch toward the epitome of slobdom.

And think of this, you logo-wearing t-shirt fanatics: You paid money to be a walking billboard for a product. And you receive no reimbursement. What are you, stupid? Clarification: T-shirts for worthy causes are encouraged. Unless the event was 2 years ago. Save that one for the garden.

Let me be clear. Nobody makes it every day. And, like I said, I work in a place where it's just plain stinkin' hot and it's very urban. Maybe my vision is skewed. I am aware that there are many places in the country where this isn't a problem. Big chunks of NYC pay close attention to dress, for example.


So, for the love of Gucci and flip-flops, consider this, America:

• When was the last time you wore a shirt that was not a t-shirt? If it has been longer than a week, you might want to rethink that choice.


• Can I see man-titty, boobs, or belly jiggle beneath that shirt? If so, you might want to rethink that choice


• Was that now-grey t-shirt once black? If so, you might want to rethink that choice.


• And how can we forget this? Keep the fanny pack above the belt level, fellas?


• And bike shorts DO NOT DARE TRAUMATIZE ME AGAIN!


• Over 24 and still going for the grunge thing? Sorry, Kurt Cobain called from the beyond and wants his mojo back


• You really can use an iron. Or a steamer. I'm not insisting on this. I'm just sayin'

Further...

• I am declaring bra-straps showing under spaghetti-strap camisols OUT!


• I am also declaring that prison-convict-inspired pants with the waist at the knees look OUT!

In related subjects, let's talk hair-styles

• If you last changed your hair-style during the Carter administration, it's time for a makeover


• If you last washed your hair a week ago, it's time to do so


• If you last changed your hair-style during the protest-era, STOP THAT


• If you can't keep your hair out of your face, find a way or cut it. Mom was right.


• Are you Anglo and for some reason trying to turn your stick-straight hair into dreds? NO!


• Do you over-gel the hell out of your hair to keep it standing up in a punky kind of spiky style? Don't. A special word to the gentlemen on this: My father wore his hair in a flat-top for over 50 years and never used wax or gels. It always stood up. He would say "It takes a good man to keep it standing up." Ummm...don't show your lack of manliness by using a ton of goop. Advertise your manly goodness in other ways


• Bowl cut? Sorry, my fellow librarians, update it. Now.

OK, I think I've spewed enough. Like the guy who walked in the other day with traces of this morning's hangover spew still clinging to him. Enough with the spewing already.

For now.